What You or Your Church Can Do
- Speak from the pulpit about family violence
-
- Sample Sermon Resource (Rev. Al Miles, National Advisory Committee on Violence Against Women)
- Church bulletin inserts ( Faith Trust Institute) Link
- Include Domestic and Family Violence in your weekly prayer meetings
(i.e.: Week 1: Child Abuse, Week 2: Dating Violence, Week 3: Sexual
Assault, Week 4: Violence in Marriage)
- Offer support to victims
- Be a safe place where victims can receive support, acceptance and healing
- Post emergency numbers in bathrooms
- Collect an offering or items for your local battered women’s shelter
- Offer to house a domestic violence support group
- Invite speakers to come and speak on domestic violence to your youth groups, women’s groups and men’s groups.
- Attend a training conference on domestic violence.
- Respond to the victim appropriately (Rape101.com) Link
- Give to Teen Challenge
- Hold Batterers accountable for their actions
- Guidelines for Pastors and Rabbis: Responding to Domestic Violence (Faith Trust Institute) Link
- Be part of committee or coalition to address family violence in your community
- Listings of Local Coalitions (The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence) Link
- Offer Referrals and Partner with your Local Resources
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-722-SAFE or http://www.ndvh.org/
Additional Resources
Following is a list of resources to assist abusive male Christian
clergy and laity in stopping their violent behavior, to support
violated Christian women and children, and resources for non abusive
Christian leaders and laity seeking to provide effective care to the
entire family.
Articles and Books
Fortune, Marie M. Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1987.
Kivel, Paul. Men’s Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart. Center City, Minn.: Hazelden, 1992.
Kroeger, Catherine Clark. "The Classical Concept of ‘Head’ as ‘Source,’" in Equal to Serve. Hull, Gaebelein. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Books, 1987, p. 278.
Kroeger, Catherine Clark, et al., eds. Study Bible for Women: The New Testament. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Books, 1995.
Kroeger, Catherine Clark, and James R. Beck, eds. Women, Abuse, and the Bible: How Scripture Can Be Used to Hurt or Heal. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Books, 1996.
Kroeger, Catherine Clark, and Nancy Nason-Clark. No Place For Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence. Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 2001.
Lincoln, Andrew T. The New Interpreter’s Bible. Vol. XI: The Letter To The Colossians. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1994.
Miles, Al. Violence in Families: What Every Christian Needs to Know. Minneapolis: Augsburg Books, 2002.
Miles, Al. "Holding Christian Men Accountable for Abusing Women," in Men’s Work in Preventing Violence Against Women. Poling, James Newton and Christie Cozad Neuger, eds. Binghamton, NY: The Haworth Pastoral Press, 2002, pp. 15-27.
Miles, Al. Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2000.
Miles, Al. "When Words Abuse," Leadership, Spring 1999, pp. 96-100.
Nason-Clark, Nancy. The Battered Wife: How Christians Confront Family Violence. Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 1997.
Perkins, Pheme. The New Interpreter’s Bible. Vol. XI: The Letter To The Ephesians. Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1994.
Curriculum
Committed To Freedom (Teen Challenge Curriculum for Victims of Sexual Abuse and Assault) Link
Awareness Workbook for Victims of Domestic Violence and Stalking (The Child Rescue Foundation, Inc.) Link
Online Religious Articles, Commentaries and Resources
The Faith Trust Institute Link
Yaconelli, Karla. The Evil Among Us: Helping Youth Leaders Identify
and Address Domestic Abuse.’The YouthWorker Journal, Nov/Dec 2002.
Available online at: Link
articles/topics/counseling/evil_among.php
Promising Practices
SafeState.org - http://www.safestate.org/index.cfm?navID=44
Practical Strategies/Resources
Turning Point- Definitions, Warning Signs, Progression of
Abuse, Power and Control Wheels, Characteristics of Healthy
relationships, etc (Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault) Link
Haven House Teen Outreach- Definitions, Warning Signs and Understanding Teen Dating Violence (for parents and teens) Link
The Domestic Violent and Incest Resource Centre (DVIRC), Melbourne, Australia- A guide on love, respect and abuse in relationships (for teens). Link
Rape101.com-Insight for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Victims, Spouses/Partners, Parents and Friends Link
Rape101.com-Encouragement, Support, and Resources for Professionals & Staff Link
Statistics, Fact Sheets and Research
Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence- The Alcohol Connection Link
Domestic Violence Statistics- The American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence Link
Family Violence Statistics and Facts- The Family Violence Prevention Fund Link
Domestic Violence Research, Law and Policy- Medlineplus Health Information Link
Violence Against Women Research- The Office of Violence Against Women, Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse, the US Department of Justice Link
Promising Practices
SafeState.org
Link
Toolkits
Toolkit to End Violence Against Women (National Advisory Committee on Violence Against Women and the Violence Against Women Office) Link
Videos
The following educational videos, produced by FaithTrust Institute
in Seattle, Washington, are invaluable resources for clergy and laity
within their congregations and communities. (For more information call
FaithTrust Institute at 206-634-1903, or visit their Web site at www.faithtrustinstitute.org):
Broken Vows: Religious Perspectives on Domestic Violence. A videotape series in two parts, Broken Vows is intended for clergy, congregations, religious educators, and staff of shelters and domestic violence programs.
Wings Like a Dove: Healing for the Abused Christian Woman. A
thirty-four-minute videotape, intended for abused Christian women. It
is designed to use in battered women’s shelters, churches, fellowship
meetings, and other settings where women come together.
Domestic Violence: What Churches Can Do. Utilizing a
20-minute edited version of Broken Vows, this video and study guide
provides a one-hour program for use in Christian education. It offers
basic information on domestic violence and ideas about how
congregations can become involved in prevention.
Where to Get Help
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for toll free, 24 hour
confidential assistance and information on domestic violence, and for
referrals to programs and resources available in your area. For
victims and offenders.
1-800-799- SAFE
1-800-787-3224 (TYY)
or visit http://www.ndvh.org
Qualities of A Healthy Christian Marriage:
A Sermon on Domestic Violence Awareness
By The Reverend Al Miles
Let us pray. God, you are Love and Life-giver. We thank you for your
grace, justice and mercy. We firmly embrace your egalitarian nature.
Through your son, Jesus Christ, all humans have the right to live life
free from abuse and violence. May we treat one another with the same
love and respect you give unconditionally. In Christ’s name we pray.
Amen.
Today we will address an issue that has unfortunately often been
denied or overlooked by Christian leaders and laity: abuse and violence
within Christian marriages.
In Christian traditions marriage between a woman and man is indeed a
sacred covenant; an oath taken by two people before God and Christ
usually in the presence of family, friends, and other well-wishers, to
stay together until parted by death. As part of most Christian wedding
ceremonies, the couple also vow to honor, love, respect, and be
faithful and kind to one another.
The author of a letter written to all Christian churches near the
city of Ephesus (many scholars believe this person was the apostle
Paul), comments on the holy and mysterious nature of this bond.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to
your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife
as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the
Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should
submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just
as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her
holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to
present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or
any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands
ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife
loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds
and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of
his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and
be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a
profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However,
each
one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Eph.5:21-33 NIV).
Situations of domestic violence clearly stand outside of the
Ephesians author’s admonishments on the principles husbands and wives
need to follow in a healthy Christian marriage. A married couple must
love and respect each other, just as Christ loves the church. Domestic
violence disregards these instructions and disrespects Christ and his
church. Abuse is neither loving nor respectful. It is a crime.
As a "body of Christ" it is imperative that we gain knowledge on the
many complexities associated with domestic violence. The problem
involves a pattern of abusive behavior in which a person uses coercion,
deception, harassment, humiliation, manipulation, and/or force to
establish and maintain power and control over that person’s intimate
partner or former intimate partner. Perpetrators use economic,
emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, spiritual and/or verbal
tactics to get their way.
We Christians must also grow in our understanding of who within an
intimate partnership is most likely to be victimized and the victimizer.
While a small percentage of men are violated, in both heterosexual
and homosexual intimate partnerships, the American Medical Association
estimates that two million women in this country are assaulted by an
intimate partner every year. The actual numbers are probably much
higher because victims often do not report attacks, fearing both the
stigma associated with abuse and the threat of reprisal from their
perpetrators.
Domestic violence is the number one public health problem for women
in the United States. According to the United States Surgeon General,
domestic violence is the greatest single cause of injury among U.S.
women, accounting for more emergency room visits than traffic
accidents, muggings, and rape combined.
These alarming statistics do not include many of the emotional,
psychological, and spiritual tactics male perpetrators use to abuse
their female victims.
It would require a great deal of naivety on our part to think, given
the overwhelming figures just cited, that Christians are somehow spared
the scourge of domestic violence. To put it bluntly, there are men who
sit in the pews, and speak from the pulpits, of churches in every
Christian denomination and faith group—who also beat, curse, rape, and
in many other ways violate their wives and girlfriends. And, there are
Christian women, and their children, who live not in God’s peace, but
under the constant terror of being tortured emotionally, physically,
psychologically, and sexually by males calling themselves "men of God."
Some of these men are ordained Christian clergy.
Tragically, clergy and congregants have also misinterpreted and
mistranslated holy texts and doctrine to support male dominance and
female subjugation. The practice continues to this day.
The patriarchal system has certainly always been alive and well in
Christianity. Both the Hebrew Bible and Christian Scriptures have an
androcentric, or male-centered, perspective and emerge from patriarchal
societies. Some texts, which are misogynist (women-hating), are lifted
up to the exclusion of other texts that clearly affirm mutual respect
between the sexes. Still other texts have been twisted—inadvertently and
intentionally—to suggest that our loving and merciful God and Jesus
Christ for some reason grant males authority and privilege over
females. Because of all the above, men have received special
dispensation from Christian clergy and laity alike to do whatever they
desire with their wives, girlfriends, daughters, and all other females,
without any fear of accountability.
One passage of Scripture that has been used frequently down through
the centuries to justify man’s abuse of woman is our text
today—Ephesians 5, verses 21-33. Viewed in its entirety, the passage
offers clear guidelines regarding principles that must be followed by
both Christian husbands and wives. Love and respect are the virtues
that need to be at the center of every interaction.
But, over the centuries, the instructions put forth in Ephesians 5
have been used to elevate the status of men and put women down. Seldom
do Christian clergy or congregants discuss the fact that nine of the
twelve verses carry instructions for Christian husbands to follow. An
inordinate amount of attention has been paid to what these verses tell
wives, rather than what they demand of men. The passages clearly
instruct husbands to love their wives as they do their own bodies.
Nevertheless, the verses are often used to instruct women on what they
are to do for their husbands—even husbands who abuse their wives.
The manner in which some Christian clergy and laity have used
Ephesians 5:21-33 is blasphemous. True blasphemy occurs when a teaching
that was intended for good is distorted and misused to bring suffering
and death.
Let us take a closer look at what the author of Ephesians actually
intended to communicate to first century Christians about the qualities
of a healthy marriage.
Verse 21 of Ephesians 5 introduces a litany of instructions for
household members. Called "the household code," the writer of Ephesians
borrows from the instructions on duties of household members found in
Colossians 3:18-4:1. As biblical scholar, Andrew T. Lincoln, states
regarding the household code:
Typical of the content of all such discussions is the notion that
the man is intended by nature to rule as husband, father, and master
and that failure to adhere to this proper hierarchy is detrimental not
only to the household but also to the life of the state. Setting the
household code within this tradition becomes significant for assessing
its use within early Christianity. The tradition reveals that proper
household management was regarded as a matter of crucial social and
political concerns. Any upsetting of the household’s traditional
hierarchical order could be considered a potential threat to the order
of society.
Even though the household code reflects a common patriarchal social
and political position held in ancient times, this truth remains:
domestic violence is never condoned by Scripture.
Nevertheless, the concept of female submission has frequently been
misrepresented by abusers, clergy members, and churchgoers to excuse
men’s violence and blame women for their own victimization.
In fact, many of us who grew up in the Christian church were trained
to think that the famous instructions to husbands and wives in the book
of Ephesians, chapter 5, begin and end with verse 22: "Wives, submit to
your husbands as to the Lord" (NIV). Proclaimed by the clergy and other
pastoral ministers from pulpits and at weddings, and by parents,
teachers, and other congregants as well, Ephesians 5:22 has established
a foundation on which countless numbers of Christian marriages have
been built.
The verse has also been a perfect setup for millions of women to suffer acts of domestic violence.
Over the years, hundreds of violated Christian women have personally
disclosed their stories of horror to me. They’ve shared how their
Christian husbands have beaten, cursed, raped, and violated them in
several other ways. Often, the women have said, the husbands justified
their criminal and sinful behavior by citing verse 22 of Ephesians,
chapter 5. It’s a husband’s right, the battered women are instructed,
to do whatever he wants to his wife. And, no matter what acts of
atrocity these husbands commit, Christian wives are told that they need
to graciously submit to them in all things.
Sadly, this treacherous lie is also propagated by some Christian
clergy and laity. Violated Christian women have been told that
Ephesians, chapter 5, verse 22, demands that they "stay, pray, obey and
everything will be okay." Because of this inappropriate teaching, many
Christian women have suffered greater abuse from their Christian
husbands. Some of the women have even died.
In truth, the admonitions in the book of Ephesians to Christian
husbands and wives begin not at verse 22, but at verse 21: "Submit to
one another out of reverence for Christ." Inclusion of this one
sentence puts on a whole new light and brings clarity to the entire
passage. No longer can Christians view marriage as a male hierarchical
union. Instead, we are challenged to observe the covenant of matrimony
like God and Christ intended: as a mutual and egalitarian bond.
The Greek word hupotasso, which the New International Version
of the Bible translates in Ephesians 5, verse 21, as to submit, also
means to align oneself with, to behave responsibly toward another, or
to relate to one another in a meaningful way. Thus, the author of this
book is instructing Christian husbands and wives to behave responsibly
toward one another, align themselves and to relate to one another in a
meaningful and respectful way.
There must never be a hierarchical structure in Christian marriages.
Even when husbands are both loving and respectful, when there is no
abuse whatsoever in the nuptial, male headship and female submission
work against wives because this type of union disallows a woman to be a
full and equal partner with her husband. The hierarchical structure is
ultimately disadvantageous for husband as well because it prevents them
from reaping the benefits of sharing life with a woman who is equal to
him in every way.
Let us now move on in our chosen text to verses 23 and 24. "For the
husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,
his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to
Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
What exactly did "headship" mean in early Christian thought? The Greek word kephale,
often translated as "head," has a number of metaphorical uses in the
Christian Scriptures. Ordinarily it denotes "source," "origin," or
"preeminence," rather than "authority over" or "ruler." Greek language
scholar, Catherine Clark Kroeger, states in an article addressing the
classical concept of "head" as "source":
To declare that man was the source of woman, that she was bone of
his bone and flesh of his flesh, was to give woman a nature like man’s
own. She was no longer of the substance of the animals but of man. She
was a fit partner, his glory and his image. "Neither is the woman
independent of the man nor the man of the woman in the Lord; for just
as the woman is from the man, so man is from the woman, and all things
are of God" (I Cor. 11: 11,12).
What is clear, whether we are discussing first century or
twenty-first century Christianity is this: there is no justification
for Christian husbands to abuse their wives in any way, at any time.
Let me repeat: Husbands have no right—not by God, Jesus, Scripture,
beliefs, teachings, or tradition—to abuse their wives in any way.
Equality and mutuality in marriage also help Christian women to
understand it is never their duty, responsibility, or lot in life to
have to endure the illegal and sinful actions of their Christian
husbands, whether these inappropriate actions are emotional, physical,
psychological, sexual, or spiritual in nature. Domestic violence is always worthy of condemnation.
The remaining passages in today’s text, Ephesians, chapter 5, verses
25-33, focus primarily on a Christian husband’s responsibility to his
wife.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave
himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with
water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant
church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and
blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as
their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no
one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as
Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. "For this reason
a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and
the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am
talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must
love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her
husband.
These verses clearly instruct husbands to love their wives as they
do their own bodies, just as Christ loved the church. Christ never
cursed, raped or threatened harm upon the church in any other
emotional, psychological, physical, or spiritual manner. Husbands must
follow Christ’s example of self-sacrificing love.
Let’s return for a moment to Colossians, chapter 3. Recall that much
of what the writer of Ephesians has to say about the household code was
adapted from this earlier work. In Colossians, chapter 3, verse 19, we
find a stern warning: "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh
with them."
Domestic violence is harsh. This type of inappropriate
behavior causes wives and children a great deal of harm, and destroys
marriages and families. I want to say a few words directly to husbands.
If you are in any way abusing your wives—emotionally,
psychologically, physically, sexually, spiritually, know that your
behavior is both criminal and reprehensible. Please seek help for your
problems from individuals who are trained specifically to work with men
who perpetrate violence against their wives. See me at the end of
today’s service and I’ll provide you more information about various
programs in the area. I will also be happy to accompany you to these
places.
In addition, I invite you to schedule weekly spiritual care sessions
with me. During our times together we will pray and read passages from
Scripture that teach equal value and dignity of husband and wife. We’ll
also discuss the larger theological dimensions of how God views men and
women.
Please don’t attempt to walk the long and bumpy road alone that can
lead you to a healthy, violence-free life. I want to walk with you.
However, let me clearly state my limits: I will in no way accompany
you further down the path you’ve already been traveling. In other
words, I expect you to be honest with me—and to take full
responsibility for the damage you’ve caused your wife and children.
Blaming alcohol, children, pets, Satan, and your wife for the abuse you
are perpetrating will inform me that you’re not ready to trod the long
and very difficult road that can lead to lasting change.
I hope you choose to get the help you need. The process can lead you to becoming the type of Christian husband God intends.
The qualities that make for a healthy Christian marriage today, are
the same ones addressed by the writer of Ephesians in ancient times. In
order for a marriage to be sustained and grow, both husband and wife
must commit to the biblical virtues of love and respect. They must also
recognize that this love, which comes from God, binds them together as
equals rather than ordering them in a hierarchy. In addition, a wife
and husband must behave responsibly toward one another, align
themselves and relate to one another in a meaningful and respectful way.
Last, we must acknowledge that a healthy Christian marriage has no
place for abuse. Domestic violence is not of God; it breaks apart women
and children. Therefore, Christian clergy and laity must always condemn
this behavior.
Let us pray. Loving God, in both ancient and modern times there have
been scores of Christian men, both clergy and laity, who have used you,
Jesus Christ, the holy scriptures, and church doctrine to justify their
criminal and sinful acts of violence against their wives. There have
also been far too many nonabusive Christians who have chosen to remain
silent, even after knowing of the destruction committed by so-called
"men of God." We call upon your holy spirit to empower us to respond
more faithfully to the needs of victimized Christian women and
children, and to hold accountable those Christian men who perpetrate
these heinous crimes. In Christ’s name we pray. Amen.
The End
The Rev. Al Miles serves as coordinator of hospital
ministry for Pacific Health Ministry at The Queen’s Medical Center in
Honolulu, Hawaii. He is the author of two books Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know, and Violence in Families: What Every Christian Needs to Know.
Both works are published by Augsburg Fortress Publishers and can be
ordered in the U.S. by calling 1-800-328-4648. They also can be ordered
on line at http://www.augsburgfortress.org.
Read Juanita's Story
What You Should Know About Domestic Violence
Find Out How Your Organization Can Help Support This Work
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DOMESTIC ABUSE
